Humor Me or Kill Me

This weekend I’ve endured torture training. My daughter is getting sleep trained. I’ve had a pretty sleepless week, and Friday night was day one of  this sleep training boot camp.

Like most parents we had our daughter in a bassinet next to our bed. At six months we were transitioning her to her crib and then we had a few hiccups…sickness (the horror) and then visitors. Now we are back to normal and it’s time to resume (2 mos later). No one truly tells you the hell you go through when a child is sick or when you have a child that surpasses the boundaries of stubborn 🙂 I found out just how far she will go, and let me tell you, she doesn’t give in…ever.

In all the how-to books on sleep training, the stories were somewhat positive; children crying ten minutes to a half hour, happily drifting off to the sweet land of dreams – while sleeping through the night. M cried for two hours each time we tried to get her to fall asleep. I stowed away in her room for the night. Somehow this gave me the tolerance to not give in.  The results:  She was angry both nights… I am tired… and we are a work in progress.

As with most things in life, you have to keep a sense of humor or you will lose your mind. So for all you parents out there…these are for you!

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A BABY

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00
AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run
wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.

(Courtesy of UC Berkley Parents Jokes and Quotes)

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s